Child Guidance Services, Oklahoma Department of Health
The birth of a new brother or sister may be difficult for a child who has enjoyed being the only child. There are often feelings of jealousy expressed by the older child, either at the birth or sometime within the first year. He or she may feel pushed aside, unwanted, unloved, and very jealous of the time and attention the new baby gets. Before the baby arrived, this attention was all theirs.
To help prepare for the new baby:
Give your child real expectations of a newborn, who will eat, sleep, cry, and need lots of diaper changes for the first few months. The baby will not be a playmate or friend for quite some time.
Involve your child in preparing for the new baby. Give them say in some choices: “Shall we buy the sheets with the ducks or the teddy bears?”
Normal reactions to a new baby
Big brother or sister may want lots of attention after the baby comes home. They may be able to tell you they need a hug or to sit in your lap, or they may go away in disappointment, frustration, or anger because you are too busy with the baby.
Many children will regress to earlier behaviors such a wanting a bottle, bed-wetting, or thumb-sucking. Some of these behaviors are reminders of a comfortable time when they were the center of attention.
Your child may be hoping to be reassured that they are still loved and cared about enough to deserve your time. They may think that time equals love. New babies naturally require more time and attention, but this may be difficult for your older child to understand.
To help your older child still feel wanted and loved...
Empathize with your child about all the frustrations. “It hurts my ears too, to hear so much crying” or “I really wish I could hold you right now and read your favorite book.”
When friends and family visit the new baby, ask them to visit with your older child first. Suggest that a small gift for the older child would be appreciated when they bring gifts for the baby. Or, keep a new toy or book handy that can be brought out for your older child on these occasions. This is probably not the time to teach your child that you don’t get a gift every time someone else does.
Provide your child with a “baby” of their own to feed, bathe, and dress when you’re caring for the new baby.
If your child regresses to baby-like behaviors, they need your positive attention and support. Resist giving attention to the baby-like behaviors and focus instead on their age-appropriate activities. Gently remind them of things they can do that the baby can’t.
Find some time to devote to your older child when baby is sleeping or someone else can care for the baby. Even a small amount of time will be important to your child.
Give your child small opportunities to help with the baby, such as offering a pacifier, putting on booties, or winding up a lullaby toy.
With supervision, let your older child cuddle with and hold the new baby.
Find books at the library to read with your older child about having a new sibling in the family.
Remember to take care of yourself as well as your children! If their needs start to overwhelm you, ask for help from family, friends, or health care professionals.