Discipline is teaching. A child is not born knowing what is appropriate and what is not. As adults, we can help children learn what behavior is acceptable. The way you communicate limits to your child is important.
It’s better to be consistent with 5 rules 100% of the time than with 10 rules 50% of the time. Most adults set too many rules. A rule should be:
· For ensuring health and safety
· Reasonable for a child’s age
· For the benefit of the child as well as the adult
· Explained to the child in an age appropriate way
With that in mind, here is a list of “rules” for winning the discipline game:
Be clear and specific in your instructions. Avoid terms such as “be nice” or “be good.” Say instead, “We will go when you are in the car seat.” “We can read the story after you brush your teeth. I’ll help,” ”People are not for hitting, use your words.” Or “Put your toys on this shelf.”
Eye contact is important. Move close to the child and get on their eye level.
Be trustworthy. Say what you mean. Do what you say you will.
Use a firm, matter-of-fact voice.
Be kind. An angry voice or body language does not teach the child, it scares them.
Do not make the situation about you, for example, saying, “You did this to make me mad.”
Say things in a positive way; “Your feet go on the floor, not on the chair.”
Be brief. We often talk too much. Remind once, then calmly move on.
Allow the child to express their feelings, including negative ones.
Listen when your child talks, with your full attention. A child is more likely to listen and obey when the caregiver listens to and values the child’s feelings and opinions.
Give your child choices when you can. Give only choices you can accept. Even simple choices will help your child feel more in control and therefore, better able to cooperate.
Pay attention to your child’s feelings, moods, and needs. A tired or hungry child is less likely to be agreeable.
Try not to use positive or negative labels such as good, bad, dumb, pretty, etc. Instead, describe behavior specifically.
Nagging, yelling, and hitting show a lack of respect for the child and hurt your relationship with them in the long run. Work to develop a relationship of mutual respect.
Time limits may help to reduce a child’s frustration. Say, for example, “In five minutes it will be time for dinner.” The child may not have any understanding of the concept of five minutes, but you are letting them know what is upcoming.
Be reasonable. Match your expectations to the child’s age and development.
Remember, you communicate nonverbally as well. Facial expressions, actions, tone of voice, and hugs often communicate more than your words to influence a child.
For more information, contact your County Health Department.
Maternal & Child Health, Oklahoma State Department of Health